My relationship – steamier than quinoa

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Taylor Rudman

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Shayna Glazer

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My relationship – steamier than quinoa

Hey ladies! Remember me? It’s Debra! Debbie for short. And not just Jake calls me Debbie anymore! So does the cashier at Starbucks. We’re pretty close, since I see her four times a day for some “girl talk” and also maybe a little too much espresso. Not important!

I know it’s been a while since my last blog, but I’m back bi-atches! I’m sorry for the language, #girlpower #makegirlsgreatagain #jklol. I took a break from blogging because I realized that I needed to focus more on my emotional health. My boyfriend Jake and I went through a separation recently, and although he still hasn’t realized what a TOTAL DUMBASS he was for dumping me (#whorunstheworldgirls #whoneedsmennotme #girlpower), I realized that I needed to move on. Which I’ve totally done. Like, totally. Just drop it.

The first step to emotional health is getting your physical health into tip-top shape. That’s what I saw on the Cosmopolitan SC story, anyways. So, after doing a 7-day kale based detox, I felt like a new woman. I was awoken as a newly sexual being. I didn’t want this feeling to go away. So, naturally, I decided that it was time to do a little experimenting… at my local farmers market. Although I loved kale, I could tell that kale didn’t really love me. Love is reciprocal, and I couldn’t be tied down by kale anymore. So I hopped in my Prius and drove off, in search of a new life, a new love.

Here’s the scene, the Corner Farmers Market, 5:30 p.m.– closing time. The pruney lady behind the counter is nodding off while standing up (a true talent if you ask me), and I’m wandering down the bulk food aisle looking for something I can take home and snack on.

Then I see him.

Hair tied back in a man bun, a Rolling Stones shirt poking out from under his apron, he’s edgy and mysterious and looking directly at me. I saunter up, all hips and flowy skirt, and moccasins, I’m elegant, I’m grace, I’m in his face.

He smiles at me, it’s lazy and yet intriguing, and slowly he raises his hand and there it is, HE’S PROPOSING – okay, no, he’s not – but he is handing me a little white cup filled with steaming quinoa. Like the jello shots of my college sorority parties, I down it in one swallow. He’s impressed. How could he not be? So I take initiative, I am the alpha female afterall, I invite him to my apartment on Friday for some dish I’ll make with the quinoa he’s selling.

He’s baffled and I take it as a yes, whipping out my pen, I ink my number onto his sweaty palm. He smiles.

I get home and guess who’s messaged, it’s Kevin (that’s his name), “hey its kevin from the farmers market, really wanna meet up on friday babe?” Mission accomplished. 

I decided on a classic: chicken and quinoa burritos. Check out my next blog post for the recipe!

 

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