To begin the recipe: you’ll need a THICC blender (as the kids say). Ladies I’m talking not about that “magic-bullet” bullshit, I’m talking grade-A titanium, Vitamix v.2.0, (2.0 because Jake shattered your first one a year ago- similar to how he shattered your heart).
First thing’s first, make sure to add a few ice cubes to start. This will keep the smoothie chilled and frosty, like your attitude at the moment because you just realized that Jake unfriended you on Facebook last night after saying he couldn’t meet up.
Add a banana to ensure a smooth consistency and to soothe your stomach after all the butterflies that you used to have in there decided to rip their way out through every orifice possible and now you just feel so, so empty. And make sure it’s a large banana too. Girls, that’s what you deserve since Jake never appreciated every time you made do with the sad, small bananas he always managed to bring home… from the supermarket.
I know you ladies will be hesitant about this one, but add about a half cup of frozen kale. It is super hip and great for detoxing, and we both know that there is a lot more we need to detox than just the toxins from last night, but this is a great start.
And who doesn’t like blueberries? Add a small handful, as these are great for your skin and a delicious source of antioxidants that help combat the “free radicals” in the alcohol you ingested last night during your angered state. (I looked that one up on WebMd, ladies). Speaking of free radicals, I’m guessing that since Jake still hasn’t apologized and attempted to reschedule plans, I’m going to call myself a Free Radical because guess who “doesn’t need no man?” yes, it’s me. Well, back to this delicious recipe:
We’re going to need a tablespoon of coconut oil to help balance glucose levels. This should be an easy add, since you already have that jar leftover from when you were in a relationship (sigh).
Add a tablespoon of chia seeds to the blender. This is a great source of fiber, iron, and calcium – also it replicates the EXACT way Jake pulverized any seed of hope you had left for your two-year-long relationship. Not that there are any hard feelings or anything.
Add a cup of Greek yogurt – it is chock-full of helpful probiotics. Now ladies, it is very important that this is Greek yogurt, because apparently the slightly fattier, but still delicious, original yogurt isn’t good enough.
Oh darlings! If you feel the urge to walk down memory lane and stop to think about your weeklong summer getaway in Maui, now would be a great time to uncap your bottle of coconut water and inhale the sweet memories. Pour in a full cup and make sure that when you mix it up, you give it an extra 10 seconds of intense, invigorating blending. Make Jake feel the destroying, stirring, and pummeling of those memories as they are being blended into insignificance. Add that coconut water to feel fresh after your night of depression and loneliness, but, honey, remember that you are similar to steel and when you go through fire, you only get stronger.
Before blending, add just a bit of honey and cinnamon to taste. According to BuzzFeed, these act as great mood elevators, so why not try? Nothing else has worked!
And why not throw an egg in there, right? Don’t bother taking it out of the shell. Just throw the whole egg in there, like Jake so thoughtlessly threw you to the side. If you’re lucky, the shell will cut the inside of your throat, so you might actually get to feel something again. Also, it adds protein.
Now it’s time to place the lid on your blender and put it on medium power for about 30 seconds. You are an intelligent, beautiful girl that can handle the immense power of a medium blend but those in your life, like Jake, can’t comprehend how a little commitment goes a long way and the consistency in a long term relationship beverage is very important.
After drinking your power smoothie, you have the fuel for a nice full day all to yourself!
As for me, I’m going to the gym, because Jake knows damn well that I still follow him on Instagram and he is posting photos of himself and happy dogs so it’s time to show him that I’m the one he should be smiling with. Well, joke’s on him, because he left his membership card at my place!
‘Til next time, ladies!