Oh yes. A license will most certainly change every single dynamic of your lifestyle. Just don’t screw this up. Your test administrator sits next to you and smiles fleetingly. A smile without affection. Actually, it’s more like they’re simply baring their teeth at you. Not that you can blame them, considering how many other mediocre drivers they’ve been forced to fake a smile at, in the course of their career.

Don’t worry—the test is not stressful. How could it be? It only decides whether or not you’ll have freedom and independence and comfort. That’s not so important, is it? Besides, evolution gave us feet for more reasons than to push a gas pedal.

Keep Your Sass Levels In Check. If your DMV instructor claims you didn’t look in  your mirrors often enough, swallow your last shred of pride, and flash a grin as you say, “Thanks for pointing that out! People like you help keep our streets safe.”

Accept Your Mistakes. If you have a tendency to miss turns, it’s okay to simply miss them. Don’t wait until you’re half a mile past the turn, to swerve around in that direction, nearly hitting a box full of puppies.

Avoid Hitting Pedestrians. Yes, people walk slowly. People stumble awkwardly into the middle of the street as if they actually want you to grant them the sweet release of death with your vehicle. Forget your rationale. It doesn’t justify murder. Also, killing pedestrians is an automatic fail.

Don’t Drive On The Wrong Side Of A Two Way Street. Most people assume you’ll know this, so they don’t remind you. However, I will tell you because it’s exceedingly important to know. Always drive on the right side of the street. Here’s a simple rhyme to remind you: Right is life. Left is death.

Speed Limits Are More Than Recommendations. Driving is real life. It’s not like Pirates of the Caribbean, where rules are more like guidelines. If you drive five miles per hour above the speed limit you will fail. Try staying right on the limit.

Get The Grunge Look. Remember that the DMV is full of soulless, fun-sucking zombies. If you show up fresh-faced, wearing sparkly cherry lip gloss and a polka-dotted scarf, you will stand out as the only individual who is actually alive. They will devour you that much faster. Instead, don’t even bother brushing your hair. This is the DMV. Not a dinner date.

Use Common Sense. You can press the gas pedal all the way to a horizontal level to release stress, after you pass your test. You can roll down your windows and let your hair blow around while you scream at the top of your lungs, all in good time. Be patient, small grasshopper. We all know you’re going to be a menace to the road eventually, but why show the DMV?

Go Ahead And Slouch. The last thing you want to do is drive with the posture of a ball room dancer. Lower your elbows, relax your chin, and slump back in your seat. This will allow you to appear calm and collected, instead of twitchy and neurotic.

Keep A Positive Attitude. If you do fail your license test (and let’s face it—it’s a definite possibility,) it’s not the end of the world. It doesn’t mean you’ll have to sit at home and knit for the rest of your god-forsaken life. It just means you’ll have to gratefully mooch rides off some crazy friends, who probably drive at breakneck speed, or you’ll have to  move somewhere that has a fantastic public transportation system. Remember that carpooling saves resources. Technically, not having a license is environmentally beneficial.