If a picture’s worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a picture worth?
Surfer: Wouldn’t it be like double? 1000… so that’s like 2000.
Skater: The square root of sixteen.

Skater, according to my calculator, the square root of 16 is 4. You seem to know a lot of math terms. And four is a very specific answer so you must have done hours of calculations to reach that conclusion. I bet you’re right, a picture of a picture is not worth 10002 words, but a measly four. Photographs are boring anyways, plus 42 points.
Surfer, unlike your mathematical genius counterpart, it seems that you pulled your answer right out of the air. There are too many zeroes in 2000 to be accurate. If I wanted you to guess, I would have written a vague question. However, since we can’t blame my concrete journalism skills for your answer, we have to blame you. Minus 57 points for how many words it took for me to explain that to you.

Why do you bake cookies but cook bacon?
Surfer: What’s bacon if you can’t hear it sizzling? Cook that stuff!
Skater: Because I’m a vegetarian.

Surfer, when I order my father to whip me up a batch of bacon, I don’t worry about the process. I just worry about bacon on my plate in the next five minutes. Hell, it could be made out of human flesh and I’d be happy if it were crunchy enough. So as long as my parents are at my every bacon call (get it? Like beck and call?) and I’m consuming something that looks and tastes like bacon, I don’t care about the sizzle. Bacon is an entity unto itself. Minus 7 points for how many pieces of bacon I can eat in a sitting (I’m not a fatty, they’re small pieces.)
Skater, although this is a column where you face overly-personal attacks on every fiber of your being, we don’t need to know any real aspects of your personality. Let’s keep this simple so that I don’t develop any attachment. Minus 5 points for making this cold-hearted robot feel feelings.

What do vegetarian zombies eat?
Surfer: They’re probably gluten-free too, so they attack grass.
Skater: They could still eat people, right? At least they’re not cows.

Skater, are you a species-ist? Does human flesh not make the list of no-no’s for vegetarians? Well it makes the list of no-no’s for the LAW. Like, cannibalism. I’m pretty sure that’s illegal. But if you’re a zombie I guess giving a hoot about the long arm of the law went out the window when you started eating arms. This didn’t directly address the question. Or your answer. Turns out I’m not a literary genius, who knew? Let me distract you with this clever reference to pigs and stuff: All animals are created equal, but some animals are more equal than others! So are humans less equal than cows? I don’t know. Where’s PETA? We can ask the naked actors. Minus 10 points for all the signatures I won’t get for being “creepy.”
Surfer, I’m glad you are considering ALL living things in your answer, grass and gluten-free eaters alike. Here at The Mustang we commend that kind of all-inclusive thinking. We don’t want anyone to feel like life is greener on the other side. We couldn’t get you a Nobel Peace Prize, so here’s 20 points.

Surfer: -44 points
Skater: 27 points
Yay Skater! You win nothing.