San Dieguito Academy Newspaper

Illustration by Jeffrey Furgerson

After Shane Dawson’s most recent conspiracy video, your childhood icon, Chuck E Cheese, is being seen in a different light.

Humor: The Hell-Rat

March 4, 2019

Youtuber Shane Dawson went to Chuck E. Cheese and said that he discovered that they reused their pizzas, so he exposed them on his channel. This caused an uproar of enraged parents and kids who couldn’t believe that Chuck E Cheese would serve them such disgusting food. Then, CEC’s pizzas became a massive meme, which inspired this fun little editorial.

Chuck E Cheese says, “Our mission is simple, bring families together in a wholesome environment for fun, games, and kids.”

His mission is a string of lies. He’s a Walmart Mickey Mouse.

His true mission is to corrupt little boys and girls by training them to gamble their life savings (framed as Chuck Tokens) away.

This “kid-friendly arcade” is a place where children walk in as a healthy, innocent angels, and walk out with chicken pox and gambling problems. Their mascot is a flea-ridden lunatic who is nightmare-fuel for kids.

Chuck E. Cheese is an abusive, crackhead rat, who robs children of their money and innocence.

Chuck E cheese is a wannabe Mickey Mouse who missed the train to Disneyland and rode straight into the flames of hell.

Chuck E Cheese is a runaway “Five Nights at Freddy’s” character who got paralytic rabies.

Chuck E Cheese is a ruthless rodent who watches children suffer for fun.

Chuck E Cheese is a dumb, broke, disease-spreading, wig snatching, Walmart Ratatouille who lures children into Child Perdition.

In essence, Chuck is a cold-blooded psychopath who feeds children floor pizza to feel pleasure.

Don’t go to Chuck E Cheese.

Or the hell-rat will e-RAT-icate you.


2 Responses to “Humor: The Hell-Rat”

  1. Anonymous(e) on March 5th, 2019 11:05 am

    wig = snatched

  2. anonymous on March 5th, 2019 11:06 am

    this made me laugh till i cried

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