If actions are stronger than words, why is the pen mightier than the sword?
Surfer: Because you can hide a pen in your pocket and shank somebody with it.
Skater: It’s not. The person who wrote that was never stabbed with a sword.

Skater, you sound like you know what you’re talking about, which means you’ve probably been stabbed, and that after being stabbed you were physically and emotionally strong enough to continue on with life. I bet you’ve been through much hardship and have many interesting stories to share with us. However we don’t have space or time for your life-changing wisdom in this column; it would only undermine my authority. You’re still the teacher though I guess so here’s 50 points for your bravery (awarded to you by me – the authority figure.)
Surfer, you also seem to know what you’re talking about, but your being well-versed in the art of clandestine shanking is actually a bit concerning. However, I’m not convinced that you are physically or emotionally strong enough to handle being psychoanalyzed by a high schooler (despite her vast amount of expertise in psychology as well as every other area of science). Just take these 10 points. (You didn’t really do anything of merit but I fear for my own safety. I’m a very important person.)

Why does Rudolph let the other reindeer become his friends after they bully him for being different?
Surfer: Something about communism. Rudolph’s nose is red which makes him a communist, so he wanted to share with the others.
Skater: Because forgiveness is a virtue. Rudolph is a saint.

Skater, Rudolph probably is a saint. Leader of the reindeer pack, bringer of Christmas joy and Christmas spirit. Maybe Rudolph is a symbol for Jesus. Or better yet, the new pope! Connections everywhere. Plus 20 points for reminding us of all that’s good and holy.
Surfer, you seem to be saying a lot of smart stuff. Something about social commentary. You must be a history teacher or something. (Oh you are? Oh really?) I bet Rudolph is a damn commie, and Santa’s actually McCarthy. Or maybe Rudolph’s nose was meant to be silver to represent the dollar value of blah blah blah silver to gold ratio something something US History. (Is that enough to pass the APUSH test?) Thanks for reminding me that all my favorite childhood stories are probably not sweet tales of growing up but instead allegories about life and society and all that conceptual crap. I did not need to be taken down that rabbit hole but it made me think thoughts I guess. We’ve got to keep everything fair and equal so 20 points for you as well.

What does Google do when it doesn’t know the answer?
Surfer: Asks Siri.
Skater: My mind is blown.

Surfer, you obviously know the answer. Maybe instead of asking Siri what the answer is Google should just ask you! How do you say ‘xenophobia’ in Esperanto? How do we define the role of religion in schools? And most importantly, why is there never any toilet paper in that one stall in the girl’s bathroom? I guess you hold all the answers now. Minus 20 points to lighten the burden of all that knowledge.
Skater, you seem to be having trouble with the question. You’re better off just asking Surfer; he holds all the answers. Plus 50 points to help you piece your mind back together. You poor thing.

Surfer: 10 points
Skater: 120 points
Yay Skater! You win nothing.