Surfer vs. Skater – Oct. 2013

Junior skater Max Ashworth and sophomore surfer Sierra Gasperoni participate in the ultimate test of skill and endurance.

Story by Lily LeaVesseur, Business Manager/CAF Editor

What do you call a male ladybug?
Surfer: A gentleman bug
Skater: Mr. Bug.

Skater, then why wouldn’t you call a female bug “Ms. Bug”? Huh? What about feminism? Patriarchal society? The 19th Amendment? “Blurred Lines”? Gloria Allred? Whew. I’ve tired myself out. Minus 50 points for all the sandwiches no one’s ever made for me.
Surfer, I like that very much. Can you imagine a little lady and gentlebug putting on little suits and gowns to attend “Bug Lake”? They probably put up their little bug pinkies when they drink tea. I bet they live in the suburbs. Gentlebug is running for senate and Ladybug is on the board of some bug charity (Fly for the Cure? The Red Bug?). They probably have two bug children who attend private bug school, and are unaware that their son is planning on coming out of the bug closet and that their daughter is running a shady business out of her bugmobile. This is HBO-quality stuff. I’ll thank you first, Surfer, when I’m accepting my Emmy for “Outstanding writing for a bug drama series.” Plus 30 points for all the millions of dollars I’ll make once it goes into syndication.

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
Surfer: It’s just not his style. He’s too hipster swag.
Skater: Because reasons.

Surfer, according to Oxford English Dictionary, 8th edition, there is no definition for the term “hipster swag,” so I’m left to conclude that “is too hipster swag” means something along the lines of, “found a razor lying amongst the leaves and, despite little human contact and a severe lack of delicate motor-skills, was able to keep his face, chest, and other areas clean-shaven, even while the hair on his head grew past normal socially-accepted standards for men’s hair length.” If I am correct in my assumption, brilliant answer, Surfer! What an astute observation. You remind me of myself when I was your age. Plus 300 points!
Skater, although you completely avoid answering the question, you use simplistic language that shows just how well you identify with the way of the jungle. You make no attempt to make any sense (maybe you should write this column). It seems that you transcend all need for actual use of communication. It’s quite possible that you just understand the world better than the rest of us. In fact, maybe all that we know about the story of Tarzan is a lie. Perhaps he, like you, had mastered all the ways of the world so well that he no longer needed but two words to express his wisdom, and, like Thoreau, decided to pick up and live simply among the trees. You should consider this. You are obviously way too advanced for this column. Plus three points: one for solitude, two for friendship, three for society.

What’s the opposite of opposite?
Surfer: The opposite of opposite is the opposite, but it could also be the same.
Skater: Parallelogram.

Surfer, if I wanted to spend 53 minutes staring at a single confusing sentence until I could no longer associate the letters with words, I would have time travelled back to one of those depressing nights sophomore year that I spent trying to read the AP World textbook. Fortunately, my grade/the rest of my high school career/my future socioeconomic status doesn’t depend on being able to understand your answer, so I will avoid putting in actual effort to analyze it and instead accuse you of trying to confuse me into giving you points. If today were opposite day, I would say plus 50 points! But it’s not, so minus 100.
Skater, you may have thought this was a column that addressed important issues such as math and science. I regret to inform you that this column addresses no important issues ever. Although we often utilize convoluted language to project an air of intelligence, we are but simple folk. Have you ever heard of the infamous Barbie doll that says, “Math is hard” when you press a button on its back? That’s us. Anyways, I was going to ramble on again about how advanced you are and proceed to take away more points, but now I’m afraid you might just be confused. It’s possible you know less of what you’re doing than I do. I’m not sure how to reward people who say things completely unrelated to the question. (I was going to be subtly humorous, but let me point out why this is funny: the answers are ALWAYS unrelated to the question. My job is very hard.) Plus no points because I can’t decide whether or not you’re profound or just confused.

Surfer: 230 points.
Skater: -47 points.
Yay Surfer! You win nothing.