San Dieguito Academy Newspaper

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Kindergarten rules, adults drool

Kindergarten rules adults need to be reminded of

A brief explanation of some etiquette some adults are lacking

February 25, 2021

When we were younger, our brains were burned with the shallow and oversimplified posters plastered on every inch of every classroom, reminding us of cheesy slogans instructing us on how to act and be mannered such as “sharing is caring,” and “keep your hands and feet to yourself.” Yet, as we grew older and started to understand just small fractions of the world better, we wonder…what the heck? They have been misleading us this whole time. Adults are the booger-eating, unshowered, mannerless swines, not the innocent children that don’t know their left from right. Adults desperately need to be reminded of these few basic kindergarten rules:

First off, you must say please and thank you. Nothing is more important than expressing your gratitude when Grandma Dorothy stuffs a large sum of money in that annual birthday card. And for goodness sake, nobody is going to pass you the peas at dinner until you say the super magic word, practice it now, say pl-eeeaaa-sse, try it one more time, pll-eeaa-see… good job, I am proud.

Next, please remind yourself to wash your hands every once in a while. Don’t even lie; we all know you don’t. It is simply disgusting, and just get over yourself, it does not take away any time that could be better spent. Eventually, your friends are just gonna get you a satirical Amazon t-shirt that says it front and clear, “I’m a monster.”

One of the most excruciatingly painful rules broken is do not put your damn finger up your nose and pick those boogers. What is wrong with adults is that they feel the need to be so immature to pick their noses. It is not only humiliating for you but makes it seem as if you are a literal infant just in a taller, more matured body. And if you dare pick your boogers and eat them, you will be treated like a child and put into a timeout, possibly worse if you keep it up. You ain’t never gonna find love if every time you feel something up there you use your finger. Learn to use a frickin’ tissue.

The next rule that is absolutely crucial for adults to be reminded of is: keep your hands and feet to yourself. You are too old to try and be the next WWE champion by tackling and, quite literally, slamming your innocent two-year-old niece to the ground. Stop drop-kicking people in public and just refrain from using your John Cena impersonation anywhere; it’s not even that good, bud.

No one thinks this needs a reminder because it is possibly the most repeated one in the books, but kids are not the only ones to struggle with it. Yes, it is true; sharing is indeed caring. Yes, everyone needs a refresher on this favorite and unforgettable slogan. It is a perfect representation of the phrase: “easier said than done,” but ever so vital. It is okay to lend your crayons to your peers, and okay, let your friends try your curly fries. Just remember, it is not the end of the world if you share. Maybe your neighbors will bring a warm cookie and a side of milk if you let them have those two eggs they asked for. Don’t be a hogger just because you can, show you care and maybe others will return the kindness. Prove that this rule is not just a ploy to get toddlers to share the candy and, side note, stop taking candy from a baby.

Lastly, treat others with kindness. This should not even be considered a kindergarten rule as it pertains to everyone. Stop yelling at the waitress because you don’t like that your soup is so soupy, and don’t flip off the guy driving next to you that needed to switch lanes. The only rule that should still be plastered on the walls. Just be kind; your parents raised you better than this whole butthole. “I spill boiling hot coffee on this pregnant lady sitting too close to me on the bus and am not gonna say sorry. It is just a third-degree burn; she’s fine,” act you got going for yourself. 

Regardless of when you come across these vital laws of life, whether it be as a toddler still sucking their thumb and pooping in all the wrong places or as an old grandpa in a nursing home still pooping in all the wrong places, there is never a wrong time to learn and change. No one is exempt from these fundamental rules, and please remember you will be brutally ridiculed if you dare eat your boogers.

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    Kaya SimcoeFeb 26, 2021 at 1:35 pm