Why Starbucks is so addictive…

This is not a new column. I am simply an uninspired freshman hoping to pass journalism. But one thing I’m sure of is that there’s always someone trying to pull the wool over your eyes, and I might as well do something informative and productive during this one hour and thirty minutes I have each day. 

This article will be focused on conspiracy theories that are most definitely true and most definitely fact-checked (not!). One day I walked into my English class in the flex lab, and I saw a curious poster in the right corner of the room. Walking over, I see a grinning boy, odd photos of aliens and birds, and a sign saying “Evan’s Conspiracy Corner.” Curious, I then learned from my teacher Mrs. LeaVessur that he ran a column before he graduated, pitching some interesting ideas, to say the least.

But right after my interest was at its peak, I then learned that Evan is gone… Whether that’s off to some college or kidnapped by the birds for exposing them as government spies. I’m not sure, but either way someone has gotta take up the torch… You call them theories, I call them exposés. Here’s the start of the many eye-openers that people don’t want you to see. 

You can’t guarantee much in life, but every day walking down the hallways I never fail to see half of the school population rushing around with their identical Starbucks frappuccinos and lemon loaf in hand. Every day– no judgment! The food is tasty, but what is with this consistency? Why is this place so popular? Let’s look at the facts. There are about a million other cafes within five minutes of campus with the exact same products. On top of that, the other establishments actually offer original food and drink items. For example,  there is not one item on their menu I can’t find somewhere like Pete’s Coffee.

 The next thing to question would be prices. Is Starbucks expensive? No. But cheap? Definitely not. Have you ever counted your weekly Starbucks bill? I would, but it would make me too sad, so there is no room for my judgment– I’m just as guilty as the next guy. 

With these large amounts of dedicated customers, does that mean the obsession can be boiled down to Starbucks just being trendy? Not exactly. Trends are never permanent, but it seems there’s a unanimous and timeless decision that Starbucks is awesome. This rising popularity prompts my next point: their locations are literally everywhere, and their industry is growing almost exponentially by the year. 

All this had me stumped, and still has me wondering, what is making this place so special? Then it hit me: no simple cafe could ever be that popular, so Starbucks must be totally screwing with the world!! They knew that there was no chance for them without some shady shortcuts, which made me come to my final conclusion… they have been drugging their products! 

This may be a little hard for some to believe– but, tell me, do you really know what’s in your drink? They have this weird substance called ‘caffeine’ which apparently everyone knows about yet doesn’t care! This drug is so addictive, that Starbucks’s customers have become completely immoral to quitting it. According to my research, nearly every drink they have has tested positive for ‘Caffeine,’ which is just outrageous! They don’t exactly put the whole list of their ingredients on their pistachio lattes. All their food is pre-made and sent from “foreign” locations. And have you ever noticed the mysterious vials and bottles with weird liquids inside behind the counter? Cause I sure have. 

There have been rumors that working there gives the staff headaches… What do you think are in those fumes? So if you are sitting there reading this with a Starbucks beverage in your hand- spit it out! Didn’t you do your Edgenuity? Don’t do drugs, people. 

Make sure to watch out for that Starbucks because, if you give them a few more years, we are going to start seeing some first-hand world domination. Every street… every store… it’s just going to be Starbucks. So put your strawberry acai lemonade refresher down and heed my warning.