My parents set high standards for me from the very beginning. By the time I was in fifth grade, I was a straight-A student taking sixth grade math, a Certificate of Merit level seven pianist, flutist in the district band, Girl Scout, and had just quit eight years of figure skating to try my hand at tennis and karate. And, of course, I went to Chinese school every Sunday.

Compared to my friends, who were all Caucasian, it seemed as though my parents forced me to do a lot more than anyone else’s parents. I relished the afternoons spent at my best friend’s house, where we would finish homework and then bounce on the trampoline or watch TV until dinner was ready. Then my mom would pick me up on her way home from work so I could practice piano for an hour before I went to bed.

I am the product of 16 years of Chinese parenting. People tell me I have a lot on my plate, and sometimes I worry that I’ve bitten off more than I can swallow. I remember being at Chinese school last year, hearing people talk about how much they hate calculus or hate physics and are only taking AP classes to boost their GPA’s, or how they feel nothing when they play piano but keep going because their parents force them to. Then I realize: I really, genuinely like the things on my plate! As for the things I wasn’t thrilled about, my parents didn’t berate me to continue. When I wanted to quit ice skating, I quit. And when I hated Kumon, an afterschool accelerated education program featuring rote repetition (what a joy), my mom let me stop. “I never thought you’d end up being good at math,” she later told me.

The book

With my Chinese parents in mind, I was interested when an excerpt titled “Why Chinese Mothers are Superior” hit the internet early in January. It was a segment from Amy Chua’s book promoting “superior” Eastern-oriented parenting, “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother.” Chua claimed that, to raise a successful child in the Chinese tradition, strict discipline, including two to three hours of piano practice a day, no playdates, and no grade below an A (ever), was vital. She emphasized extreme academic rigor, insisting that it was unacceptable for her daughters to be anything but number one in all academic subjects (except gym and drama—because you don’t need to be physically fit or comfortable in front of a crowd if you can recite the periodic table). Her bold standpoint has demanded huge media hype for Chua. She was interviewed on “The Colbert Report.”

The book became a New York Times bestseller, was the cover of Time Magazine, and even inspired an article in Teen Vogue magazine, “Pushy Parents.” Some say that Chua challenges traditional American methods of raising children—this controversy turned America’s attention to the self-proclaimed “Tiger Mother.” In her most infamous anecdote, Chua threatens to burn her children’s stuffed animals if they didn’t play their piano pieces perfectly. She describes Western parenting as meek , ineffective and to a degree, lazy. Instead, she believes that criticizing a child is the real way to teach ‘em a lesson. Coming from a traditional Chinese family myself, it was only natural for me to question what San Dieguito Academy’s student and parent reactions to Chua’s book were like.

What about SDA?

As I read through the excerpt, I wondered how “westerners” felt about Chua’s hyperbolic description of what must’ve seemed like a typical Chinese household. I know individuals who defy the academically-excellent-but-socially-incapable stereotype established for Asians. Their parents are okay with them getting B’s and, wow, even C’s! They get their eight to nine prescribed hours of sleep a night, and don’t obsess over having the highest GPA of their graduating class.

I spoke with six students and their mothers to see whether “Tiger Mother” parenting was really employed at the Academy. The Asian parents at San Dieguito Academy say they have grown accustomed to western culture, though they have by no means cast off traditional Asian values. Push and discipline are both very important to Asian parents, who stress preparing their children to excel later on in life. Ultimately, Asian parents here have learned that balance is the key to raising a child in a physically and emotionally healthy environment.

“Seeing the representation of a Tiger Mother, I see a wake up call to the world, for the better. Being pressured for a good purpose is a good way to get things done…My mother doesn’t make me do anything I don’t really want to do, but makes me do the things I have to do,” said junior Jeff Kuo.

Infamous Chua

SDA students and parents are familiar with Chua’s book thanks to the huge hype and publicity it has received. Everyone thought that Chua’s tactics, including a ban on playdates (fun can wait until AFTER you get accepted by Harvard), no roles in school plays (they take up too much time), and no grades below A-level (how else would you get accepted to Harvard in the first place?), were far more extreme than those of the average Asian parent.

“I think she’s an exaggeration,” said Emily Kuo, mother of junior Jeff Kuo. “On a 1-10 scale, she’d probably be a 9 or 10.”

Some noted that Chua had the same values as other Asian parents, but enforced them at a much stricter level. “Unfortunately, I think it’s quite accurate with just a little bit on the extreme side. It’s quite average. A lot of Asian parents are like that, I think,” said Yanmin Sun, mother of junior Emily Huang.

Junior Michelle Xu had more extreme examples to compare with. “I really wanted to reach into the article and slap the lady…I mean, my mom is strict and they are kinda similar in ways but this lady was a lot worse…But my mom always tells me about her co-workers [who are] exactly like the author,” said Xu. “This girl is my sister’s age, so eight. She’s in third grade doing sixth grade math. Her mom would give her 20 problems, give her 10 minutes to do them, and then if she didn’t finish in 10 minutes she’d add on another five questions. Or if she got ONE wrong out of the 20 the mom would keep adding on five more questions until the girl got them all right.”

An Exaggeration

               That the parents were familiar with Chua and her book didn’t mean that they agreed with her parenting methods. In fact, none felt that they could particularly identify with the “Asian parent” stereotype that Chua embodied—crazed over perfect grades, exceptional extracurricular activities, and the discipline of a Spartan soldier. Instead, the mothers at SDA tend to give their children more freedom.

“Betty always says ‘you are an Asian mother’ and I say, ‘yeah, I’m an Asian mother. What’s wrong with that?’” said Jin Hong, mother of sophomore Betty Huang. “I’m not the same as the parents in China. We go abroad for so many years, so we’ve adopted some kinds of concepts, western education.”

“I’m probably the most not typical Asian parent. Because the feedback I get from people, including Emily, and just the way I see how other Asian parents treat their kids, it’s just very obvious,” said Yanmin Sun. “Emily gets to decided anything she wants…AP classes, SAT, what level she wants to be—that’s the goal she sets and that’s what she accomplishes. No money, no nothing for grades.”

“I have assimilated more towards the western type of parenting over time. I gave my children more choices and freedom to choose what they want to do…I think gradually I’ve changed to allow my children the freedom to choose more,” said Emily Kuo.

Shuping Jia, mother of freshman Jerry Jin, identified herself as “stereotypically” Asian. “I think I’m a typical Asian mom. Because we are Asian. We are Chinese! We have some common cultures from the Chinese background. It’s very different from typical American parents, if you want to compare that,” said Shuping.

Cubs

It seems as though the tiger mothers of San Dieguito Academy are not so ferocious after all. Students, however, still identified their parents as academically strict despite parents saying they never set grade/score requirements for their children.

“Well I have to get A’s or I die but other than that…I feel like Asians brag about how crazy their parents are. And just like overcompensating males, we tend to stretch the truth a bit,” said junior Will Chu.

Perspectives on pressure

               Chua believes that “what Chinese parents understand is that nothing is fun until you’re good at it.” According to her, the Chinese parenting method of “tenacious practice, practice, practice,” ultimately produces results notably higher than the fruits of Western parenting (“Chinese parents can order their kids to get straight As. Western parents can only ask their kids to try their best.”)

               Asian parents at SDA seem to value their children’s health and preparedness for future before their SAT scores.

“I think the drawback is that the kids, under that high pressure when they’re young, study for their parents,” said Beibei Wang, mother of junior Will Chu. “But as soon as they get out of the house, into college, and that pressure is off, it just goes backwards. I feel like you have to find a balance between sticking to good habits and going to extremes to make the children not want to study once they’re away from their parents.”

“Honestly, I really don’t see any benefits,” said Yanmin Sun. “I might be missing something, but I really don’t see any…it could potentially just make a kid unhappy.”

Still, stricter Chinese parenting does have its advantages. “Motivation’s very important. You always want to encourage kids. Chinese parents look after kids with more detail,” said Weiping Xu, mother of junior Michelle Xu. “We definitely want them to be above average.”

“Really, we focus on the long term. Americans want to really enjoy the freedom they have today, but in the long term, they may not have the skill make a better life. Asian parents sacrifice their own time …they hope their kids can get the best they offer for the long term. For the rest of their life, they can have a really enjoyable life, not only today,” said Shuping Jia.

Some students actually welcome the pressure from parents. “…I’m slightly worried about getting into a good college with a lot of Asian competitions with higher SAT scores, more AP classes, and higher grades than me. I actually do kind of wish my mother would pressure me more,” said junior Jeff Kuo.

Yin and Yang

Amy Chua may say that only strict parenting and extreme discipline can make for a successful child, but many disagree. Not all Asian parents are obsessed with 2400s and 5.0 GPAs. Rather, SDA parents say they encourage independence, growth, and happiness for their children. They have struck balance between eastern and western traditions, giving their children the freedom they need while still keeping the future in sight, they say.

“There are very stereotypical Asian parents forcing their kids to do this and do that, but also stereotypical western parents who let kids do anything thing want to do—I’m just trying to find a balance…I’m in the middle. I want her to have input,” said Yanmin Sun.

“I’m just thinking for both ways, I should find a balance,” said Weiping Xu.