How do they signal Batman on a clear night?
Surfer: I guess… I guess you use the Batman light thing.
Skater: Pelvic thrusts. Heh.

Me: Of course, Surfer! The Batman light thing! Why didn’t I think of that before? Forget the bat signal, Gotham City! I’ll just put on the Batman light thing, and help will soon be on its way! What a great way to summon superheroes. We don’t need those cheesy red telephones in the mayor’s office. We’ll just use the things with the lights and the things. This will make crime-fighting so much more efficient. Imagine the possibilities! The spidey sense thing? The Hulk angry thing? The Thing thing?!? Plus 500 points for your brilliant idea. Skater, I’m just confused. I have low hopes for you if you think gyrating your crotchular regions into the air will solve your problems… unless you’re looking forward to meeting a Michael Jackson-themed superhero. Minus 35 points.

If someone chooses not to decide, have they still made a choice?
Surfer: Yeah. Well, it’s inherent in the question. They still made a choice to decide.
Skater: Yeah. Um. Because, um… yeah, you already made a choice. Wait, can you repeat the question?

Me: “Inherent in the question?” All right, Mr. Sassy Surfer Sassafras. I suppose it is inherent in the question. Thanks for pointing that out to me. You’re clearly the more knowledgeable of the two of us. So I guess that it’s inherent in this answer that you’re losing 10 points. No, Skater, I’m not going to repeat the question. Our sassy Surfer has put me in a bad mood. Minus 2 points.

Why is the word “short” longer than the word “long”?
Surfer: Because it has more letters. Because whoever decided we spell short made it long.
Skater: Because it’s shorter. The English language is screwed up. Like “ph” isn’t “puh.” It’s “fuh!”

Me: Surfer, do you really think that there is a mysterious omnipotent being who determines our lexicon? A being who intentionally wishes to confuse us? That’s just silly, Surfer. The words come from the ancient Greek and Latin. You should blame them for your loss of 8 points. Skater, I’m going to ignore the first half of your answer to focus on your random syllable shouting. I have no idea why you decided to make puttering sounds, but it really was a joy to listen to. Plus 23 points.

Could you sell your soul to the devil for a one-way trip to heaven?
Surfer: I’d have to ask God.
Skater: Y…n…y…n..no. Only your soul goes one way.

Me: Surfer, I’m not a religious person, but I’m still not entirely sure His Holiness would be a-okay with you asking His permission to sell your soul to the devil. It sounds like you might be spilling the beans about your plan. And where are you getting these connections anyway? Do you have a God hotline? I’m a little suspicious of your claims, Surfer. Minus 666 points. Skater, I think that was the point of my query, that your soul goes one way. As Mr. Sassy Surfer Sassafrass put it earlier, “it’s inherent in the question.” Your indecision, though, was rather amusing, so plus 13 points for that.

Do they have Americatowns in China?
Surfer: Yes. Everybody loves America.
Skater: No. They should, but they don’t. There’s not enough Americans in China. Same for Hong Kong.

Me: The last time I visited China, I remember asking a local for the whereabouts of the nearest Americatown. He then began shouting at me in some strange foreign language (Chinese, maybe?) and gestured furiously up and down the length of the street. At first, I didn’t quite understand what he was going for; perhaps these people didn’t know what directions were. But then I realized what he was pointing at: each and every one of the masses of American fast food restaurants that dotted the sidewalk – American restaurants that encompassed every street as far as the eye could see. I realized Americatown wasn’t just an area spanning a few blocks. It was the whole city. “There’s some bigger point to be made here,” I thought, “something about globalization and – is that an upscale Pizza Hut? Are those – waitresses? With dessert trays?” And then I took off to eat a pizza. Thanks for that walk down memory lane, Surfer and Skater! Plus 50 points for both of you, for every state in this glorious and forever expanding nation. Huh. All of a sudden, I kind of feel empty inside.

Surfer: -134
Skater: 49
Fantastic job, Skater. You are an un-un-winner. Surfer… good effort.