Can you cry underwater?
Skier: Yeah, you definitely can. I know from experience.
Snowboarder: No, but you can smell underwater.

Skier, I don’t know what might have happened to give you this personal experience, but damn was that a depressing answer. I can’t even muster up the will to make fun of you for that. Here’s 40 pity points. Snowboarder, I’m not entirely sure that you know what water is, or smelling, or really basic biology. I ain’t no fancy city slicker doctor, but I’m pretty sure that attempting to inhale underwater will result in the unfortunate affliction that we call “drowning,” no matter how nice that delicious chlorinated public pool water or briny ocean sea may smell. And, unlike our skier, you don’t know this from experience. I was going to give you a bit of leniency since, as a snowboarder, I shouldn’t expect you to know much about aqueous matters – but then I remembered that you live here, so you have no excuse. Minus 12 points.

If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?
Skier: It just does. You just… grab it. (Grunt). It sticks.
Snowboarder: They just smack the two together really fast. They use kinetic energy.

Skier, smart response. I think that your advice can even be applicable to situations outside of non-stick pans: just grunt and grab until you get your way. Sage words, Skier. Plus 15 points. That’s a good number. Snowboarder, I’m tempted to say that your lack of knowledge extends beyond the biological world and is now spilling into the study of physics. Unfortunately, I never took AP Physics, making me rather unqualified for this task. So I’m grudgingly going to ignore my every fiber shouting at me to subtract more points from your score and – wait. This is my section. I don’t have to be qualified for anything! Minus 58 points, just because I can!

Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
Skier: Do butterflies mate?
Snowboarder: No. You experience butterflies… I get rats in my stomach.

Oh, Skier. And here I was, thinking that you were some kind of new-age Socrates. Do butterflies mate? Is the pope Catholic? Actually, given the cognitive level of that last response, you probably would just respond, “Is he?” Your ideas were still in the cocoon stage when you said them, Skier, only instead of eventually hatching into beautiful thoughtterflies, they seem to have died halfway through metamorphosis. I’m disappointed. And disgusted. Clean up your cocoon shells while I take away 46 points. Snowboarder, I’m just going to focus on the second half of your response there. That is not some cute idiom. That sounds like either some sort of health problem, or a sign you should probably stop frequenting those shady fast food joints. Either way, I think you need to get that checked out. Just take these 32 points and go see a doctor. And call the health inspector while you’re at it.

Why do toasters always have a setting that is so high that it will burn the toast to a horrible crisp that no one would ever want to eat?
Skier: It helps melt the butter.
Snowboarder: Because some rats like it that way.

Snowboarder, I thought I told you to stop going to those sketchy fast food places. Now it looks like you’ve formed some sort of symbiotic relationship with the ones in your stomach, where you feed them blackened toast in exchange for… what, exactly? They’re using you, Snowboarder! They don’t care about you for who you really are! Take these 29 points and muster up the strength to leave, before they take everything from you! Skier, I hope you realize that butter will melt at room temperature, let alone on the surface of disgustingly crisp and burnt toast – but you know what? You can eat your toast however you like it; don’t worry about what other people think. I’m proud of you for sticking to your guns despite overwhelming popular resistance. You’re a regular Rocky Balboa! At the very least, you could probably teach our Snowboarder a lesson in standing up for himself, before the rats get to him… or worse, if he turns into one himself. Plus 41 points.

Skier: 50
Snowboarder: -9