RECIPE: Find your inner strength with one simple step – chicken and quinoa burritos

Taylor Rudman

More stories from Taylor Rudman

Shayna Glazer

More stories from Shayna Glazer


Welcome back ladies! I’m sure you’re all real excited to hear how to make a chicken and quinoa burrito, and I promised Kevin I would make him a dank dinner, so here it goes:

Chicken and Quinoa burritos.

I know what you’re thinking: “Don’t you mean chicken and rice burrito?” No, Sheryl, I don’t. Sure, maybe rice is the conventional option. Maybe you already introduced rice to your parents, and they loved rice, and you thought you and rice would be together forever, but guess what? Life happens. So now we have quinoa and ITS JUST AS GOOD IF NOT BETTER. Quinoa is a healthy alternative to rice just like Kevin will make a perfect replacement for Jake. What? Who said that?

Anyways, let’s start with tortillas. Forget those bland old flour tortillas, who needs the old usual? Let’s go for something more exotic and rugged, whip out those good hipster whole wheat tortillas.

Alright ladies, we all know the importance of healthy fats. Fat is healthy so get over it JAKE. And what’s the healthiest of all the fats? Avocado! Second only to kale, avocado has revolutionized the health food industry. And plus, it’s not like you need to pay your rent anyways. For these burritos you’ll only need one avocado. Slice it in half so you can take out the pit. Now take a good look at that pit, ladies. Look at it, really look at it. Feel that pit in your stomach. That emptiness that nothing, nothing, will ever fill. Except for these yummy burritos! Slice up the rest of your avocado.

Add a cup of fresh cilantro sprigs. You know, cilantro? Those little green leaves that make everything just a little bit better, a little bit nicer, but that no one really appreciates? The garnish that no one thinks to care about? Well guess what, Jake? Cilantro can be useful too! That’s exactly why we are putting an entire cup into our burritos. So there, take that.

Now it’s time for the main course – the chicken. Use your raw feminine power and shred that chicken. You have a lot of rage, I know it and you know it, and now it is time to channel that rage into shredding up a rotisserie chicken. Take all of the pain Jake caused you, all those nights you spent crying over your boxed wine, take it all and channel it into that chicken. Just let it all flow into the chicken. When Kevin sees how well it is shredded, he’ll know your pain and he will be so impressed.

Oh yeah, and don’t forget a cup of quinoa. Healthy grains are the first step to healthy relationships! Though a little unnerving in shape, texture, color, smell, and taste- quinoa has some health benefit… I think. So if you’re feeling uncertain about eating quinoa, just remember there are so many other foods mixed in with your grain that you’ll hardly taste it (and that the cute guy from the store gave it to you)!

After your quinoa rendezvous has been finished, it’s time to add some black beans. It really doesn’t matter where you get them from, they are beans! Like men, they spring up from all parts of the earth. I plan on throwing a whole cup of these bad boys into the mixture to keep things exciting.

Combine all the ingredients, them wrap them tenderly into the tortillas. Wrap them like Jake used to wrap you in his warm, loving embrace. Whatever.

Now you are ready to wow your hot man bun wearing man with a perfect home cooked meal. He’ll have to love you, right? ‘Til next time ladies!